Flying Shoes

Tags

Death, Home, Ice cream, Michigan, Mother, Munising, munising michigan, Texas

 

My blog is many things to me.  I can share photos, stories of my family, trips I’ve taken, food I’ve eaten, a recipe or something I’ve created (on occasion I am creative), my gardens, my environment.  The list for blogs and their content are as countless as the numbers of people who write them.

Today I’ve decided self-indulgence is my entry.  My mother, Audrey Marie Dolaski is dying, maybe today, perhaps tomorrow but very soon.   I live in Texas; she lives in Munising, Michigan.  She chose to die in her home surrounded by the things she treasures.  What she treasures now are the baby squirrels outside her window, the multitude of birds that come to her feeders, Coke and ice cream, she never was a soda drinker but these days, it’s what she can swallow and eating has become painful. She’s always enjoyed ice cream, only in moderate portions (she always watched her weight carefully).  She’s never been one to over indulge.  Yesterday she described butterscotch with generous portions of the butterscotch veins like it was manna from heaven ☺

These are our conversations, trivial but communication just the same and quality time  over distance using the telephone.  I must do most of the talking and listen carefully as her once strong voice is weak and she is also slowed a bit by pain medication.  She is still as sharp as she ever was, it simply takes her a bit more time to formulate her thoughts and a great deal of effort to express them, as her energy disappears.

Before I make my call I become agitated, wander around my house like a pacing panther, I don’t like to make these calls.  Who wants to poke a stick in a wound?  I know that I need to keep our communication going until she dies, gotten her wings, or flying shoes.

After the call I have a period of many feelings, always tears because I cry easily (one of my weaknesses), it’s just me, although a dying mother is sad! I feel frustrated, not because she is dying, she is 89, will be 90 if she makes it to the 4th of July and she’s made a good life for herself.  We will celebrate her life when the time comes.  My problem is  I’m not certain I heard what she said, if I answered her question with the right answer because I didn’t hear well, I don’t want her to think I’m not listening to her.  I’m still looking for approval (at 65) from a dying woman who I always had a difficult time pleasing and it affects my conversations with her as she dies.

I asked her yesterday if she wanted me to call everyday I didn’t want to disturb her.  To me that was a normal question because mom often didn’t like me to bother her, and she was not shy about  expressing  those feelings.  Yesterday her answer was, “yes call everyday, you are my daughter you can’t bother me.”   That’s amazing for me to hear, also emotional seeing five years ago her answer may have been that she was busy, call later, maybe the next day!

It’s getting around to the time of the day I call my mother and I feel myself already becoming anxious.  This is sad, it’s sad for both of us.  I don’t believe she realizes that I feel this way (a good thing) this is something that I need to simply get over, it is what it is, grow up kind of thing!  It’s life, it’s been my life and I’ve lived it quite well.  Most families have some degree of dysfunction, and mine was not an exception.

My mother deserves my respect, my love, and gratitude, she has it. I can return to the past and speculate about what might have been, but  the reality was my life, one doesn’t go backward.   None of us come with a set of instructions how to properly parent, we parent by our past observations, our personalities our faults and hope for the best possible future for our children.

My Tattered Companion

Tags

advice words, kahlil gibran, literature, spirituality, writing

This is my tattered and well used copy of Kahlil Gibran‘s The Prophet.  I’ve had this book since 1995, not that long as far as book ownership goes but as anyone can see by its condition, it’s well used.  It stays near my bed, close at hand for the times I may need a little advice, words to get me back on the right path.  Some have their bible, I have this.

The Prophet was given to me by a lifelong and very good friend at a time when reading the label on a soup can was about as much reading as I could absorb.  Considering its source I knew this was a book I needed to ‘work on’.  Each night I would read a bit, maybe the introduction, the front cover, the back cover, the introduction one more time, it seemed so difficult.  I would begin again the next night, reading the same things over again.  This went on for a several weeks, hard to understand, there are times our minds are that numb.  Absorbing anything of value isn’t possible. Eventually a few phrases made sense so I kept on.  It was a long process.

This book, along with a handful of friends and some professional help gave me the strength and ability to find a purpose, a reason for each day, reasons for what living really is.  It explained where I might be self-serving, what it meant to give of myself, to truly not be selfish, to  love my family, a husband, a partner,  to suffer and  feel pain with  dignity, how high joy may soar.  All chapters all of Gibran’s thoughts on life, love, death, children, friendship meant something to me.  I’ve read and re read this book more times than I care to count, and I will continue to.  I’ve given this book as a gift to many people, for many reasons.  Sometimes a death in a family, a new baby, a relationship problem, a marriage, countless reasons.  It is a book written as a view of life, one that I find ‘religion’, my religion.  This is my opinion of this writing,  the book has been published  a very long time and still sells countless copies in many forms.

I am not a fan of ‘self help‘ books, they often give ‘us’ permission to behave poorly and not be responsible, this book doesn’t do that.  This is not-self help, this is a way of life.  I’ve used the passages in my marriage vows and I’ve repeated them to friends many times over the years I’ve come to appreciate and find the value In Kahlil Gibran’s writing.  Do give it a read; its not meant as an entertaining book, or read at one sitting, its meant to  read absorbing each topic, each chapter with an attempt to understand  all it’s passages and thoughts.   Hopefully if you need direction or strength, encouragement  or simply a  fresh view  living your life, you will find this a book to love as I do.  And I thank my dear friend who gave me my tattered copy 🙂  I believe her’s is as well used as mine.

Life Isn’t Always Without Thorns

Tags

carol jean, Child, cousin ed, Death, horrible accident, memories of my life, Memory, Michigan, Mother, Parent, sister carol, stage cancer, Trudy, Washington

Today I’m writing what is on my mind and in my heart.  The personality I ‘use’ to greet the world on a general basis, is cordial, friendly and polite, as a general rule I enjoy people.  Like most people I am complicated, not more  so than others, all people are such a mix of qualities; I’m not certain all of us have public and personal personas, that we are able to call upon for different situations, I do have those ‘people’ that I can become, for a little while; come back to my real self when ‘that person’ is no longer needed.

Today I’m introspective Trudy.  Events beyond my control (as events often are) have taken place and are going to take place and I’ve found myself going back in time, remembering, digesting over again my life and history. The people who I’ve loved,  wondering if the memories I have are correct (sometimes memories need confirmation). I’m finding through conversations with my mother that most of my memories are correct.

My mother has been critically ill for several years.  She has been an extremely physically healthy woman, partly due to taking excellent care of herself and she is a strong woman, a survivor in a world that wasn’t always kind.  The very fact that she is living with this illness and it hasn’t yet taken her is because she is/was so healthy and strong.  Now her time is closing in, end stage cancer doesn’t leave survivors.  Needless to say all the memories of my life with my mother and my father are in my thoughts much of the time.

My cousin Ed Oas, who I was very close to as child,  and I was able to renew our friendship in recent years,  died last week.  He wasn’t expected to die, his sister Carol Jean and I thought he’d die a very old man like we all hope to.  Ed’s life, like my mother’s wasn’t always easy.  Carol Jean and Ed’s parents were killed in a horrible car accident on their way to a new home.  That is when our separation began, across a great country, which then seemed so large and so far and difficult for me to comprehend the real distance.  The pain for the remaining families and the little orphaned children was by some, almost unbearable, including my mother.  Her beloved little sister Marion (Pee Wee) was dead along with her equally loved husband Billy Oas.

My mother wasn’t well at this time (in the 1950’s this was described as having ‘nerve problems’), losing her sister only added to the abyss I know she felt she was in, she has explained it to me.  It would take her many years to recover.  But there were whispers, Carol Jean and Ed, where would they live, I thought I remembered my parents discussing taking them, adding  to their only child two more children that they both loved.  I’ve recently been able to confirm this muddled memory with my mother, it wasn’t something I dreamed it was correct.  Many other people were involved in the decision, and my mother, I believe now, bravely knew she wasn’t able to care for more children, not with her state of mind.  Carol and Ed (Peanut) were to live with their Oas grandparents in the state of Washington.  That didn’t make it easy for a family in Michigan with modest means to see or build relationships, the distance seemed to far, or maybe there were other reasons, I don’t know. The other side of that is that the children did have family in Washington.

Eddy will have a memorial June 2nd in the town he called home, Monroe Washington.  Carol has planned his formal memorial, and adding to this his friends want to celebrate his life with Carol Jean and the rest of the Oas family that still live in that part of Washington area.  I will be there, I will celebrate with his friends whom I do not know, and with Carol Jean who has become across the miles, visits and memories like the sister I almost had. Almost, at least in the mind of an eight year old who heard whispers and tremendous grief.  Children are always listening, a lesson for us all, children can understand to a degree depending on their age,  if not told they develop their own memory,  and it may take 50 years to find the truth.

This entry is about two people, my thoughts and feelings of loss for the unexpected  death of my cousin Ed, the impending death of my mother. Knowing that my mother is dying, does not make it less difficult, we’ve had a complicated relationship,  her life has been full, she made her life what it is through her own strength and determination, many obstacles in her way, she always regrouped and went forward with great pride and dignity.  That is what she has given me, strength, one goes on, pick up your pieces and get on with it, no one will do it for you.  At least that is her mind-set, and I’m guessing she hasn’t ever thought about that, she just forged on!

Our life takes us on many journeys, life happens, we control what we can and we learn to accept and live with what we can’t, and we never stop learning.  Life is a wonderful journey, I have lived in places I’ve not considered, visited places (even a reluctant traveler does travel) I would have only read about.  I’ve met people I’d never have had the privilege of knowing or loving, if life wasn’t so unpredictable.  Even with its unwanted surprises, and unexpected joys, life most days just goes along, a mixture of whatever we make it, and well worth living.  Who knows what’s around the corner?

Heidi Spring Joy a Dog Story

Tags

guinea pigs, hunting dog, loving heart, rainbow bridge

                                Heidi Spring Joy a Dog Story

After a year of sorting out my life, my emotions, all that follow after the death of a spouse of 28 years, a man I’d known all my life; I decided I was able to once again nurture another living thing, a dog.  Animals are a large part of my life.   In the beginning it was difficult to nurture myself, let alone anything needy like a frisky pup.

When my husband died it was a shock that one can’t imagine or begin to predict what the reaction may be, we are all quite certain we know just what we’d do, we don’t.   Not long after he passed, our beloved Shih Tzu, Lady Panda Bear had to leave for the Rainbow Bridge, sixteen years of delighting my children, the neighborhood and even the school.  What better to bring to school for show and tell then an adorable ‘dust mop’ that did tricks (often the opposite of what she was being asked to do). I had enough loss for the time being thank you very much!

I was living alone at that time (I’m not mentioning the two GIANT guinea pigs who would live on and on as they are poor company).  My youngest child Christina had left for college and the house was pretty quiet and my heart had an empty spot, (quite honestly, many empty spots).

After a small dog I wanted a BIG dog.  Maybe a German shepherd would work? I had one once in my life and he was amazing but was protective and I now had a fence with small children living nearby that would surely be sticking fingers through to pet my dog.  I called my veterinarian (don’t laugh) Dr. Barker and asked him to recommend a dog that would be happy, big and the life of the party.   A Golden Retriever was his suggestion and as it happened he knew a family who had newborns!  Be still my dog loving heart!  I called and they asked me to come over and I could pick the ‘second’ of the litter.  One was already promised, she came from good hunting dog breeding stock, like that would matter to me.   Guess there was always that option, although hard  to imagine me hunting anything.

Fat, balls of golden red fur, a whole mess of them all wiggling and tumbling over one another made for a hard choice.  I wanted a female so started my process; each was identified by pink or blue ribbon.  One just stood out for me, she was very active and liked to be held by people!  My name was placed on the pink ribbon.  I hurried home to call everyone I knew what I’d just done!  Hooray!  My kids were happy (they love animals) my friends wondered what I was getting myself into (they often question my sanity), a BIG dog!  And I did work at a botanical garden.  Duh!  I’d find a way, there’s always a way.  See any life lessons in here; always a way?

I visited her as often as the people would let me in the door, often with my daughter who was as delighted as I was with this new ball of fur.   She was coming home on Mother’s Day; I know how to treat myself right!  What a gift for me.

The wait for her to be able to come to her new home seemed forever to me. I had to come up with a name meaningful to me and fitting for a big red dog.  Most weekends in this time period I drove my trusty Rodeo (another story) to Upper Michigan to wander the shores of ‘my’ beloved Lake Superior.  The lake gave me strength when I needed it, often rough and black, huge foamy waves, sometimes beautiful light blue and smooth as glass How could someone not gain strength from such a thing of beauty and strength.  On my three CD drive to get to Lake Superior and my home town I had time to think, I came up with my favorite childhood story Heidi.  It was spring and the puppy would be a joy.   I had it!  Heidi Spring Joy was her name and she did fit the name well.  Heidi would later come with me on these journeys to Lake Superior. Heidi chased waves and was delighted with the water and the holes she could dig in the beautiful white sand with no one telling her to not dig there!

Heidi was an adorable pup and when she was old enough I started to take her to work with me.  I had an understanding boss, and the garden was just beginning so wasn’t’ flooded with people as it now is.  Heidi was nurtured by the beautiful garden, woods, paths to run on and lots of people to love her and play with her.  The only problem she caused, and it wasn’t a big one, she liked to eat the doorstops made out of wooden wedges.  Otherwise everyone was happy to see her and for the most part my “you are working” issue was solved.

Heidi and I had a change in store for us, I got a cat Daisy May from the Humane Society, and they got on well.  Another thing I’d always wanted was a Siamese cat.  No problem!  I found one and off friends and I went to bring her home.  They were certain I again had lost it but were patiently understanding with a bawling Siamese on a two-hour ride, Poppy never stopped bawling at the top of her lungs the whole drive.  Heidi liked her too, and she also liked Sweetie Pie who was the next, a rescue from Texas.  Little did Sweetie know her life would come full circle and she’d end up back in Texas!  Bless her heart.

My life at that time kept changing at a fairly steady pace!  I eventually met my husband Hal; a man who never had a pet in his life unless one counts the two turtles he dropped from a few floors up to see if they could fly.  They couldn’t.   When he came to visit me the first time he was greeted by a big dog, and three cats.  A cat that wouldn’t leave him alone, he thought she was growling when she was purring.   That would be The Popper as he came to call her.  And of course he didn’t mind Heidi too much either, and of course he was on his best behavior seeing we really didn’t know each other well and I don’t doubt he ever thought then he’d end up living with all these animals.

Eventually all these animals and I moved to Punta Gorda, Florida.  Hal and I built a house; long distance building is great fun!  All of my animals were being crated and flown to Florida with me; my car was going with my moving van.  Then 9/11 happened, such an unforgettable tragedy for America.  And new restrictions were placed on flying.  My only choice was to drive my car and my animals (now numbering four) to Florida.  Another challenge.  My oldest son Mike was coerced into driving with me so I wouldn’t need to make the trip alone.  And thank goodness he did, he’s a good traveling companion but it was like a traveling zoo with a bleating cat all the way.  Even with tranquilizers she bleated all the way to Punta Gorda, think Linda Blair in the Exorcist, horrible sound. Heidi Spring Joy was great, slept in her spot and I think put her paws over her ears.

Hal, Hal’s wife Annie Girl, Heidi and I moved into our new home (another day, another story) and all the animals were delighted and Heidi was a happy dog.  She walked with me in the neighborhood and delighted everyone we met; everyone knew her name, they did NOT know mine.  Not quite as friendly as Texas, at least where we lived.  A boating and golf community, something we did not do.  What were we thinking?

Heidi matured into a lovely Golden; she was working for her certification to be a visiting dog at nursing homes.  She was doing well. She had Annie at home to practice with, head in lap, wait for a crumb, or sleep by her chair.  Golden’s calm down after a few years (yes, it takes that long) and are perfect to take visiting people who miss having an animal or even find they like one that will lay her head in their lap to be petted.  Heidi looked forward every week day for Hal to go pick Annie up from day care, a ride!  Nothing better.

The summer of August 2004 the 1st named hurricane of the season was named Charley.  Punta Gorda hadn’t had a hurricane hit since the 60’s; we all felt relatively safe but took precautions.  We did not leave our house.  Charley hit us as a strong category 4 hurricane.  It devastated our town and did a darn good job on our house after a window was breached.  It was a frightening time for all of us in Florida.  More hurricanes followed that year.

The repair from such devastation takes time; piles and piles of debris, becoming toxic lined our streets and neighborhood.  The crews cleaning up got to us when they could.  In the meantime Heidi still needed to be walked, our yard was a big mess, my gardens ripped to shreds; they would recover nicely with a lot of gardening repair.

Walking along in her usual manner Heidi would sniff everything in sight, she was a dog after all, and it’s what they do.  The piles of fermenting debris we could do nothing about and at the time didn’t think they would be harmful.  Although shortly after all these walks and sniffing Heidi started to get sick.  Our vet couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her.  She simply got sicker and sicker.

One day Hal & I couldn’t find her.  We went in the back yard (she had a doggy door) and nowhere to be found.  Then I remembered that an animal would go away, hide, and find a place to die.   We found her, she wouldn’t come to us, and she was still alive, we brought her to the vet, they just didn’t know what to do, and the doctors had been treating her for some time at this point.  We brought her home, went out for the evening with friends and when we came home we found her.  She was heading for her doggy door and died on the pool deck.  Our hearts were truly broken.  We can’t talk about her today and that she died so young (6) without tears coming to our eyes.  The man who never had a dog, and his animal crazy wife were overcome with sadness, never to have a dog again, we’ll stick with our cats seeing they don’t go outside to sniff and inhale toxic waste that will destroy their liver.

Our hearts can break in so many ways, losing a beloved pet is only one of them.  The only cure is time and it simply softens, takes the edge off  your sadness.  Good memories, kindness of friends and our environment sustain us.

More hurricanes followed that summer of Charley, we repaired our house as fast as Hal could get contractors and after one look at Cedar Creek Texas we built another home.  We moved our household (again with the bleating Poppy Cat) and with Annie Girl from her nursing home in Punta Gorda to an even nicer one in Buchner Villas.  And we started again, new gardens, new people, new everything.  We did already have Tracy and her husband Rob here (one of our daughters) so we had a head start.

To connect this to my love for gardening I believe we transplanted ourselves quite nicely, it wasn’t easy and there were many obstacles but we once again began to thrive in our new home with 4 cats.  Although, we do now have another dog, Calla Lily (never say never) we’ve lost our beloved Poppy Cat but have added two more cats. And of course we have gardens.  Life goes on, all of us waiting for the next adventure, good or bad.

Time to begin

It has been suggested I write about what I know. I am a gardener by trade, a wife, a mother, grandmother, a voracious reader, an observer of life and at this point in my life simply living has taught me a thing or two! Some I didn’t care to learn, but we don’t always have a choice. My life has been a grand journey and the people in my life now and in the past each have left something with me to share, sometimes a good lesson sometimes a lesson that was painful, still a lesson.

Now it’s back to taking advice on how to write this blog and ponder what gardening will have to do with life, death, joy, sorrow and  good living. Please join me as I go to my past and my current life and the wonderful and not so wonderful people and places I’ve experienced.  You may recognize yourself, garner garden advice or maybe a lesson in life hard learned, or a serious discussion of something I feel or have lived and can share with you and you can then share with me.